Oftentimes, in order to taste truth in its rawest form, we have to step away from the comfort of what we believe to be true.
Pouring my love and devotion into honoring the Creator, I began by writing worship songs. My family lived and breathed walking the wide and open path of faith (as opposed to the straight and narrow). My freshman year of college, I declared myself as a music major. I was going to be a Christian music artist.
Everything I touched and felt was amplified by my personal relationship Christ. I walked in gratitude, with the diving Diving deep into my faith, I read that when you feel strongest in your irelationship with Christ, the next step is to question your faith. Trusting that he will reveal himself to you, answer your call, and thwart all doubts, you fully emerging into a relationship with Him that is forever unwavering.
With the promise of an even greater union with Christ, I dove into the deepest darkest corners of my doubt, pulling them to the surface, and spreading them out like a collage of magazine clippings on my dorm room floor. My doubts were a fresh mountain spring bringing forth a force of endless natural uncertainties. And one by one, I laid them each out in their colorful menagerie before God. As my good intentioned masterpiece took shape, I stood back and asked him to clarify for me, to show me, and to reveal to me the raw truth of his nature.
Eyes towards the heavens, heart exploding with anticipation and humility, the only answer to descend was a deafening silence. Mortified, I tried to fall back into what I knew by singing songs of worship and pouring out my gratitude, but the actions now felt empty. The spell was broken.
For months I was in shock, moving through the motions of life like a ghost with no purpose. Was God testing me in his distance and silence? Those once close to me, offered superficial encouragement as they backed slowly as if my faithlessness was a transmittable disease. For the first time in my life, I was truly alone. In the years that followed, music was the friend that stood by me without judgment, listening to my deepest cries, and whispering that everything would be okay.
Music writing shifted from words of praise and glory to exploring truths I could touch and grasp within my direct experience. My lyrics unknotted the questions that haunted me, they explored the relationships and friendships that shaped my life, and they brought to light shared truths and universal connections. Being deeply personal, most of this music I did not share openly or publicly.
I quickly learned that there is no syllabus for finding truth. We simply have to open ourselves to it. Music was the gateway that allowed me to dance around, acknowledge, and ultimately step into truth.
Never giving up on my quest for a universal connection to a creator, I built a new foundation for my life taking what I intuitively felt to be true and leaving out what did not fit. Stillness and silence became my teachers. Once again I began to hear the small voice inside whispering that we each hold the answers to the universe inside of ourselves; that we are each made in the image of the Creator, and by default, are the creator of our own realities.
Over the years, I have come to know God as timeless love; as a force far more expansive and encompassing then my mind in this life can comprehend.
As I look back on that day when I first questioned God, letting him know that I was ready for that next step, he was not testing me in his silence. He was opening the door for me to experience the limitlessness of his creation, of source energy, of our inner connection with nature and each other. I was being guided to become my own teacher, to find a deeper truth beyond the confines of religion, and to walk in his wisdom and understanding through direct experience with him.
As a singer / songwriter, writing music has been a testament to the lifelong journey of seeking truth. Song and lyric has the power to bring people together, to unite us across all differences, and uncover the nature of our shared experience. My music is a love letter to this journey and as words and melody reach to touch the surface of our shared experience, I hope you feel less alone.